Mentalists R Us

Anyone that suffers from depression knows that it’s shit.

I don’t know why I get depressed, when I have no reason to do so. I have a beautiful caring wife, four great children and a job that I enjoy (most of the time). I have a lovely home, and, family and a few friends that love me. But, I still get depressed.

I have an excellent diet, I sleep well, and I get a good amount of fresh air. I have a good laugh at Twitter. I love a good comedy on the television. I still get depressed.

I appear happy most of the time. Covering up depression is a gift that we Mentalists possess.

I’m sure I am not a ‘bad’ case. I gave up taking fluoxetine towards the end of 2006 after 12 months. I asked the Doctor how I would know it was ok to come off, he replied I should just “try it and see”. I did, and I felt ok, but I do worry about one of the side effects being ‘suicidal tendencies’! Great.

I haven’t been myself for two and a half weeks now, I sink, and then just when I’m climbing out of the hole, I seem to get dragged back down again. I have no reason to do so. It just happens. Let me reiterate, I want for nothing in my life – even my negative Bank balance doesn’t overly concern me!

I got up this morning feeling as I did yesterday, lonely. I’m not, but it’s how I feel. I don’t know why, I just do. I purposely picked a cd to play in the car on the way to work, which I thought may pick me up. I played it at the highest volume my ears could withstand, even though I always criticise ‘boy racers’ for doing the same. I found myself shouting instead of singing, and, it seemed to offload a little bit of my pain.

Pain is what it is. I feel as though I’m a failure to my friends and family, though when I think about it, I know I haven’t done anything. Is it selfishness? Writing this blog helps a little. I feel like screaming, and, I may lose my temper at work today. If I remain quiet, I will get through to hometime which is when I start to feel better. I love my family dearly, but, worry what they may think about my behavior – my wife is very understanding, and, can be an irreplaceable comfort. Sometimes I feel like crying.

It’s a shitter this depression stuff. For me, and, for anyone else that suffers. I try to get on with life, but, sometimes, some days, are difficult. The last ones have been some of those.

Mentalists R Us.