9 Days After 19

The sun may shine, but in my world – rain.

The world may turn, but to a halt mine strains.

The flowers may bloom, to me they wilt.

I live in ruins, where a city is built.

The world may laugh, I do but cry.

People bubble with life, I could die.

Some find a partner to love, I’m left to lone.

They will stand high whilst I’m down below.

The dejection I feel, the desolation I gain.

I could spew to the thought of the life to my name.

My body feels tired, my head empty of thought.

What power on Earth these feelings could have brought?

My life it feels spent, though I’m still in my teens.

The ‘time of my life’, I know not what it means.

Rain keeps on falling in the view from my room.

An end to my life could never come too soon.

You may scorn at my words, find humour in me.

But to me, this is real, no humour I see.

The world brought me up, and, is dragging me down.

In a ‘sink or swim’ case then I know I would drown.

The isolation I have, incomprehension my name.

Day after day the sadness remains the same.

My feeble body must rest as I down to lie.

And, if I should sleep, then I hope I will die.

The Fear Of Falling

So, is this the fear of falling, the fall which I’ve so often feared?

And, is this feeling of emptiness, one to which I am to revere?

And, is that my friend The Grim Reaper, staring me in the face?

And, are the feelings I have now, destined to be commonplace?

And, if this life thing is easy, why do I want to escape?

And, if my appointment with life came, just when did I become late?

This loneliness that I encounter, is one I can do well without.

These feelings of depravation, I seem to know too much about.

So, this is the fear of falling, this is the fall that I feared.

These are the cries for assistance, the tears I’ve been crying for years.

Josephine

Josephine, I liked how you sent me flowers,

because, girls don’t usually send those gifts.

The vase is still there, the flowers have now wilted,

they’re my sole material memory of you.

I’m unshaven for fifteen days or thereabouts.

My hair is matting, my armpits they reek.

I haven’t moved from this chair for what seems a lifetime.

I haven’t watched the TV to which I’m always attached.

Josephine, you cannot realise my remorse –

I didn’t mean to drive all that fast.

Seatbelt unfastened, you flew through the windscreen –

I watched, gawping, silent, as your young life shot past.

Hymn

Kiss, these lips, of a man who has long passed his prime.

Caress, and re-juvenate, remind him of the time,

his eyes met yours, and in love he fell long and deep.

Re-kindle, the lost love, which for so long has remained asleep.

Gone

I grip your throat

Hold the cold steel to your skull

See life pulsing on your temple

Beads of sweat on your forehead

My finger twitching on the trigger

I salivate

Sweat on my palms

My heart beats fast, faster, so fast

My throat pounds

My finger twitches

Your pupils dilate

You shudder in terror

I tighten my grip

Put this weapon in your mouth

You wince

You squeal

My finger twitching (pull the trigger)

Motionless

You fall

Gone

Sweet Rose

My sweet Rose

Mon cherie

Did you want to kiss me?

Did you want me to leave?

Your place

Your home

I didn’t mean to leave my heart

where I should only leave my money

You take me

You fuck me

You leave me

to decompose

Whilst I pay:

You’ll always be mine

Your thoughts are mine

Your body is mine

Your soul is mine

And when I’m gone:

My feelings remain

My love grows stronger

My heart beats faster

for my beautiful whore

Ma Douce Rose

Ma douce Rose

Ma cherie

Vous vouliez m'embrasser?

Vous vouliez que je parte?

Votre endroit

Chez vous

Je n'avais pas l'intention de laisser mon coeur

La ou je devais laisser seulement mon argent

Vous me prenez

Vous me baisez

Vous me laissez

Me decomposer

Tant que je paye:

Vous serez toujours la mienne

Vos pensees sont les miennes

Votre corps est le mien

Votre ame est la mienne

Et quand je pars

Mes sentiments ne changent pas

Mon amour se developpe plus fort

Mon coeur bat plus rapidement

Pour ma belle putain

Mule

I sit here alone

Alone, here I sit

The silent phone

My impenetrable wit

My insufferable muse

My existence forlorn

I long to abuse

my despicable form

This stubborn old mule

has nothing to give

This wretched sad fool

has no reason to live

The New Year Eve time

crawls beyond midnight

My paranoia benign

never gives up the fight

Alone, here I sit

I remain here alone

To misery I commit

In life’s game, a pawn

Goodnight Vienna

It's barely 15 minutes since I found his body there
Slouching on the settee with a vomit induced stare
An empty prescription bottle sticking to his clammy hand
and half a dozen tablets scattered round like grains of sand
A crisp manila envelope sealed with little haste
'To Whom It May Concern' inscribed upon its face
As I stooped to pick it up I swear he smiled at me
I knew, at last, he'd arrived upon the place he yearned to be


The letter read:
'If you've found this note you're too late to say goodbye
If you're reading this then I've already left your life
If you're stood there wondering why I've done what I have done
the answer is life and all it brings, and, what I've left undone
Please pass on all my love to the girl I love the most
Tell her I'll watch over her with Father, Son and Holy Ghost
And one more thing - before you think that you can save my life
is that everything I have I leave to the boys and my humbled wife'


Now as I look down on his form I know I will not cry
I will not wince, I will feel no pain, I will not question why
I will instead be happy that he is at peace at last
That his troubles and his worries are now all in the past
He often told me that he felt he was destined for greater things
that the life he had was difficult with all the hurt it brings
and I know now what he meant when said under his breathe -
"Media vita in morte sumus” (in the middle of life we are in death)

June Playlist - Better Late Than Never

A little later than promised, but, here is my June playlist:

Octonauts Theme (for The Girl, obviously – don’t judge me!)

Desire – Talk Talk

Infected – The The

Senses Working Overtime – XTC

Ragga – Martina Topley-Bird

Everybody Wants To Rule The World (Urban Mix) – Tears For Fears

Happy – Faithless

Lovesong – The Cure

Three Little Birds – Bob Marley

Personal Jesus 2011 (Stargate Radio Mix) – Depeche Mode

You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks – Seasick Steve

American Idiot – Green Day

Rebel Without A Pause – Public Enemy

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood – The Animals

I’ll Find My Way Home – Jon & Vangelis

Rapture – Erasure

Fascination Street – The Cure

May Playlist

Every month, I compile a list of favourites at that particular time, or stuff I haven’t heard for yonks.

A little late, but, here is my May playlist (click to play):

Guns by Computer (Saul Williams) – Nine Inch Nails

Ruby Blue – Roisin Murphy

Party Fears Two – The Associates

That’s Too Bad – Gary Numan

I Confess – k.d. Lang

Codex – Radiohead

Twist – Goldfrapp

Real Wild Child – Iggy Pop

Body Slam – Bootsy Collins

Constant Craving – k.d. Lang

Wood Beez – Scritti Politti

Feather In A Storm – Seth Lakeman

Capital G (Epworth Phones) – Nine Inch Nails

Road To Nowhere – Nouvelle Vague

The Glorious Land – P.J. Harvey

Route 66 (Beatmasters Mix) – Depeche Mode

Comments welcome! June playlist nearly ready, so coming soon.

Mentalists R Us

Anyone that suffers from depression knows that it’s shit.

I don’t know why I get depressed, when I have no reason to do so. I have a beautiful caring wife, four great children and a job that I enjoy (most of the time). I have a lovely home, and, family and a few friends that love me. But, I still get depressed.

I have an excellent diet, I sleep well, and I get a good amount of fresh air. I have a good laugh at Twitter. I love a good comedy on the television. I still get depressed.

I appear happy most of the time. Covering up depression is a gift that we Mentalists possess.

I’m sure I am not a ‘bad’ case. I gave up taking fluoxetine towards the end of 2006 after 12 months. I asked the Doctor how I would know it was ok to come off, he replied I should just “try it and see”. I did, and I felt ok, but I do worry about one of the side effects being ‘suicidal tendencies’! Great.

I haven’t been myself for two and a half weeks now, I sink, and then just when I’m climbing out of the hole, I seem to get dragged back down again. I have no reason to do so. It just happens. Let me reiterate, I want for nothing in my life – even my negative Bank balance doesn’t overly concern me!

I got up this morning feeling as I did yesterday, lonely. I’m not, but it’s how I feel. I don’t know why, I just do. I purposely picked a cd to play in the car on the way to work, which I thought may pick me up. I played it at the highest volume my ears could withstand, even though I always criticise ‘boy racers’ for doing the same. I found myself shouting instead of singing, and, it seemed to offload a little bit of my pain.

Pain is what it is. I feel as though I’m a failure to my friends and family, though when I think about it, I know I haven’t done anything. Is it selfishness? Writing this blog helps a little. I feel like screaming, and, I may lose my temper at work today. If I remain quiet, I will get through to hometime which is when I start to feel better. I love my family dearly, but, worry what they may think about my behavior – my wife is very understanding, and, can be an irreplaceable comfort. Sometimes I feel like crying.

It’s a shitter this depression stuff. For me, and, for anyone else that suffers. I try to get on with life, but, sometimes, some days, are difficult. The last ones have been some of those.

Mentalists R Us.

Cheggers

My first 'blog'.

I'd like to do more of this, but, I just don't seem to have the time. Or, more importantly, anything worth writing about.

This debut blog might seem like a waste of space, but I'm pissed off reading about it and want to get it off my chest.

I like Twitter, I've met some cracking people and had a fucking good laugh at times. I've found some Celebrities that use it as self-promotion, and, the odd few who actually reply to numpteys like me.

Some stuff really gets on my tits though, like the recent 'Keith Chegwin steals jokes' crap. Ed Byrne is a tosser. To say Cheggers stole a joke is bollocks - how do you steal a joke? What Mr Byrne meant to say is that Keith told a joke he'd heard before. He then wants Keith to acknowledge who told it. Arse! Does Wayne Rooney acknowledge Maradonna if he scores a goal with an overhead kick? Course he fucking doesn't. Do Reeves and Mortimer thank Morecambe and Wise after every TV performance. Course they don't. Does Lee Evans have a rider in his tour programmes saying thanks to Norman Wisdom?

I rest my case.