Thursday, 19 January 2012

My Dark Place

I’m in ‘that’ place again.

I don’t plan or ask to come here, it just happens. I felt ‘low’ when I woke up on Monday morning, no reason, just felt a bit rubbish. By Monday afternoon, I knew where I was going. It’s Thursday now, and whilst I can feel I’m coming around a bit, I’m still not right. Even Twitter (which I absolutely love) was given my ‘I won’t be around for a while’ tweet as soon as I suspected.

I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember, certainly since I was 19 – almost 25 years ago. I feel empty, nothingness. I yearn for someone to just give me a huge hug and make a real fuss of me, but, at the same time I want to be left alone. That’s the paradox I suppose. Not knowing what I want, but needing it desperately!

I took anti-depressants for a period of around twelve months around 6 years ago. I haven’t taken them since. In a way, it’s my acceptance of what I am – it may not be the right thing to do, and other people may differ, but it’s my decision.

I’m lucky that I have a very understanding wife. She knows how I feel, she does her best to pick me up, and, really is my Tower of Strength. My family knew about the course of medication I had, but, I’m sure they think I’m ‘cured’ now. As all sufferers will know, it never goes away. Mine re-appearing every few months.

I know there are people that suffer far more than I. My heart really does go out to them and their Hell. I’m lucky I suppose, I’m usually out of this place within a couple of weeks, it may be tomorrow, who knows?

I don’t like being like this. I feel like I’m a burden to people and failing, again. Failure is something that hangs over me like a cloud. Apparently, I have atychiphobia. It’s a condition that is closely related to depression, and, sometimes my fear of failing can get so overwhelming that it stops me from getting on and doing normal stuff. I can worry about putting a shelf up. And worry. And worry. If I succeed in the task, I feel bloody great, wanting praise for the simple task I’ve just performed.

Anyway, I digress. I’m a depressive, a mentalist, whatever you want to call it. I like to think I’m a bit Maaaaaad! I am in a dark place right now and I need to find the exit.

Wish me luck.

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